The Vampire Within

[Cynistra]

The year is 1708, the times are dark. A place once filled with joy and happiness, now gone to the Devils own creations. They roam only at night, hiding in the darkest of shadows. They attack at the darkest of night, when the moon is out, the stars are shining...the air is cold and crisp. Their kind haunt the dreams of the young and old. Among them, resides their leader, Tuomas. Centuries ago, he was sired, doomed to hunt for the rest of eternity. For centuries, their hunters have tried to kill every last one of these creatures. Vampires: The Devils own creations.

Our story begins on the night of April 3, 1708. Two young lovers, brought together by a few bouts of alcohol. Only hours pass before a scream pierces the silent night. "If you love me as much as you say you do, then you will allow me to explain!" The, once again, awkward silence, broken by the voice of Erik. "You know I love you with all my heart. Please, just allow me to explain."

"Erik, I cannot love you. You're one of...them. My father will never let us be." The young maiden, Arabella, replied, soft tears forming in her ice blue eyes. "You need not explain. I know what you are. You are a filthy, bloodsucking fiend. I was naught but a fool to love you. I bid you farewell." Almost as quickly as she stood up, she fell down again, landing on the soft bed. Tiny droplets of blood drip from her neck.

"I'm sorry my love, Forgive me when I do this." Erik leaned over Arabella, staring at her pale complexion. He brought his wrist to his mouth, sinking his teeth into the blood filled vein. He brought his wrist to her mouth, allowing the smooth, metallic, crimson liquid drop into her mouth.



OK, thats all I got so far. Tell me what you think! Honesty is appreciated.

[Cynistra]

[Ok, that was just the intro, just to let you know. I haven't thought of anything else as of late.]

[coffee]

Hmm. A good intro, I think. I think, maybe you should read over the intro about 5 times, each time edit one or two things that don't seem right. After that, read it a 6th time without editing and see if you like it. But make to copies of your document, one without those edits, one with. After that, compare and pick the one you like the best. Then begin with the rest of the story.
I thik its really good so far, by the way.

[Eolith]

Very good... my vampire story is somewhat similar, the girl gets turned into a vampire... then she runs away and lives with a peasant family until the dark moon (the time when they have to drink blood) at that time she flees the farm and settles down in the forest to await the end of her bloodlust. It costs her more dearly than she had expected, and soon she grows too weak to move, her mind blurred with pain. Then her vampire lover comes and lets her drink his blood... that's about it, I still have to type more... I haven't posted that much, but perhaps I shouldn't since it is so similar to this one.

[coffee]

but perhaps I shouldn't since it is so similar to this one.

Hell no! You post the rest of that story. It was damn good, and I want to read more. There is always gonna be stories similar to each other, does that mean the author wont publish them? Nooooo. So please, do post the rest, I enjoyed reading it very much.

[daena]

Interesting story, Lady Stitches. The vampyre phenomenon hath always interested me to some morbid degree, methinketh. This has great potential! I see only one thing that I might give to thee for constructive criticism. Thou saidst:

He brought his wrist to her mouth, allowing the smooth, metallic, crimson liquid drop into her mouth.

Instead of using the word "mouth" twice as is here, perhaps seek another mode. Perchance thou couldst say: "He brought his wrist to her trembling lips, allowing the smooth, metallic, crimson liquid drop into her mouth."

Other than this small thing, I think thou'rt on to something really good. And Eolith...thou hadst written a vampyre piece too? How on earth did I miss it? I go now to find this story! See thee anon!