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Post by caitlen on Mar 30, 2007 21:51:59 GMT -5
Her name was unimportant, as no one loved her Her life was dead, no one cared for her She lifted her pale face up to the moonlight And sang a sweet song
Her song described her pain and loneliness Of living life unloved Her greatest wish, before she died Was to experience true love
Yet it seemed, she was doomed to life Without a love for her Her tears were shed, time after time Over the one who ignored her
She watched his face As he flirted with the preppy cheerleaders And forgot she even existed Hugging herself, she wanted to die
For her one true love ignored her She had no mum, she had no dad So even they couldn’t comfort her
How could they have left her Alone in this world To fight for herself With no love to hold her
He came to her then And turned up her chin And his lips claimed hers forever
She danced to a new tune In eternal bliss, ‘til one fateful night When she saw him kissing another girl Her heart was broken
She wouldn’t speak to him Turning the cold shoulder this time And found the hurt she felt mirrored in his eyes She couldn’t fall for it though
And instead turned and ran Far away from him So she wouldn’t turn back And welcome him to her
She whispered his name A sweet sound on the wind “David my beloved” She whispered again
Right before she threw herself From the rocky cliff Into the cold depths below To certain death
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Post by Shades on Apr 1, 2007 23:04:59 GMT -5
wow totally not the ending a expected but none the less its an intresting poem, i enjoyed it but i gotta say two parahraphs totally ruined the form of the poem For her one true love ignored her She had no mum, she had no dad So even they couldn’t comfort her How could they have left her Alone in this world To fight for herself With no love to hold her instead of having those two paragraphs make it one thats more relavent to the rest of the poem; For her one true love ignored her She had no mum, she had no dad How could they have left her With no love to hold her good poem, but you got yourself into a little bit of a corner with this, those paragraphs break the form, but at the same time, without saying a little bit of that the poem seems rushed. so combining the two paragraphs would be the best way to go around that problem. sound good? -Shades, Admin. --10 Writer Points Awarded
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Post by Miss Paradox on Apr 3, 2007 14:13:14 GMT -5
Goregous idea, I'm definately into those kinds of themes. =] However I'm not so into poetry. You should write a story with this topic though, dedicated to me because you think I'm awesome. Do you not? Haha, well-- regardless, I must say I have a few extra things to point out: "As he flirted with the preppy cheerleaders" Besides this being entirely stereotypicial [which is okay for poetry as the point is what matters, which is the sterotyped personality, stereotyping and labels are just a huge personal peeve of mine] the term "preppy cheerleaders" just crashes the entire thing. You were lacking in a contemporary mood for the rest of it, which is a complement since I'm not to fond of that writing style ['that' referring to contemporary] but that short phrase there is indeed of said nature. ; I just find it awkward. And gosh dangit, those cheating boys!! xP You just killed someone, David! I hope you know that!! -sob- But quite good =] If you exclude the fact that I personally abhor freeverse.
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