Racing against the Pale Horse, dancing with the Corpse Fool.
Joined: Aug 2006 Gender: Male Posts: 33 Location: Newfoundland Karma: 0
The reality of the Illusion « Result #1 on Aug 22, 2009, 12:21am »
I peer at you, you lost, wandering soul I peer at you from relative comfort, relative safety. I peer at you through the light that blinds you I'm on the other side, you see all-knowing, all-powerful. a god amongst the mos tmiserable form of life You peer at me. Atleast, you try. You cannot see wha ti am for the light is far to bright the light, reflecting off my armor of gleaming glass the armor, that seperates us. that makes me greater What are you doing, you pathetic being? come no closer, you despictable thing i'll not have you mar the shine of my divinity. unhand me, you barbaric lout, lest you free me from this curse lest you break through this illusion lest you free me from myself.
Racing against the Pale Horse, dancing with the Corpse Fool.
Joined: Aug 2006 Gender: Male Posts: 33 Location: Newfoundland Karma: 0
Re: Life Isn't Fair « Result #2 on Aug 22, 2009, 12:19am »
Oh, where to begin... Such ripe, young blossoms to be picked apart and dissected in the search of truth...
Life isn't fair, you say. Yet I see nothing of life in what you follow up with. What I do see is faceless rambling about a machine, or rather, an illusion as false as morality.
I see no questions posed, as both time and this monetary filth are both equally worthless.
Re: A wolf story « Result #5 on Jul 31, 2009, 4:54pm »
Thank you for your feedback. I wrote this one a while back, and figured I'd post it and see what people thought. Hopefully I'll be able to incorporate this into a larger story.
Joined: Aug 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 446 Karma: 8
Re: Still untitled, like all my work. « Result #6 on Jul 21, 2009, 7:29am »
I'm not sure I can entirely specify what I mean about the tenses... it just seemed to flow a little odd in places. More of a grammatical thing than anything else. I could just be nitpicky, you're free to ignore me on any of these points.
Overall it's pretty good though. With a little polishing it'll be great.
Racing against the Pale Horse, dancing with the Corpse Fool.
Joined: Aug 2006 Gender: Male Posts: 33 Location: Newfoundland Karma: 0
Re: Hello! « Result #7 on Jul 19, 2009, 12:28pm »
"I knew you were up, how do you feel? is there anyhting i can do for you? do you want me to go tell the others now? Are you sure you should be standng and moving around? Does it hurt?" She looked into his eyes, hers widening with excitement, his empty and lost. Her excitement died on the inside, but she kept on the smile as she realized what the change in the air meant. This wasn't Seth.
"I'd like soem fresh air, if you don't mind. Would you guide me out?" he said, offering his hand after finishing with his shirt. She took it lightly, turning away and leading him along the corridor and towards the nearest exit of the building. She whispered something, masked in both the noise of their feet and by the air itself. The walk was silent, and through his hand he could feel the emptiness, that cold, alien feeling that wasn't Seth. Her only hope was that whoever he was, didn't pick up on her picking up on him.
Upon reaching the exit, she let go of his hand to push open the door, standing on the side of it, avoiding looking at his eyes and smiling. He took a deep breath and gazing around at the trees that had enclosed them. He smiled back at her, placing a hand over her cheek
"Thank you, my dear. Don't take this personally, but I can't have anyone know I'm out." He said, before snatching her head in his hand and smashing it against the heavy wood of the door, rendering her unconscious, and picking up quick pace as he sneaked off into the world.
Gail, after recieving Cynthias whisper, soon appeared, and lifted Cynthia's limp body, gazing around but seeing no trace of Seth. He knew that even Seth's body wouldn't be able to travel very quickly in that condition, and opted to wait for Cynthia to awake. She had that mans scent, and was much more able to track him than even a legion of men sent to scour the land. While carrying her back inside he found Ayleen, standing halfinside a doorway, looking at him questioningly, her world completely turned upon itself. He sighed, and paused a moment in his transfer of Cynthia to a bed.
"Theres some things some of us will never be able to understand, but after a while we can accept that we'll never know, as long as we spend that time trying... I'm sorry, tomorrow will be a long day, try to rest.."
Racing against the Pale Horse, dancing with the Corpse Fool.
Joined: Aug 2006 Gender: Male Posts: 33 Location: Newfoundland Karma: 0
Re: Still untitled, like all my work. « Result #8 on Jul 19, 2009, 11:52am »
I have a tendency to jump between ideas, without fully completeling whatever I was trying to do beforehand. I don't understand what you mean about jumping through time, the only real shift I notice is between parts 1 and 2, part 1 being an introduction to the setting, and part 2 being where the story starts
I didn't enjoy Fahrenheit 451, I wasn't able to attach myself to it.
I guess I could do away with the mutations part of it, but it helped display a really twisted reality where nothing is what it was. I don't really have any intention of including these any real mutant/etc as a major part of the story, probably more of a 'side-quest'.
There is a plan to introduce a 'cub scout' type person, believing in doing good. Kinda a bit on the side though. This is about Jacob, and how he manages to change the world he sees.
About the wording, it does seem to be a little 'clean' when you compare it to how dirty and desperate the rest of the world is. The detatched 'voice' I think helps show how detatched and uncaring Jacob is (or will be, you haven't really had much time to experience him).
Joined: Aug 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 446 Karma: 8
Re: Still untitled, like all my work. « Result #9 on Jul 17, 2009, 6:14pm »
Heck no, it doesn't matter if faithless is going for a strictly fantasy type story. I've got a story about a mermaid for heavensakes. My point being, this sort of story would gain a great deal more power... more umph if you will, if it was something that sounded plausible factually and scientifically. It's easier to dismiss a story about unicorns and dragons than it is to dismiss something like a futuristic apocalypse. This story sounds to me like it could easily be up to par with things like Handmaid's Tale or Fahrenheit 451... a harsh examination of the darker side of humanity, beyond heroism and chivalry. All it needs is the plausibility... the thing that will give it that shock factor and make readers think with a shiver down their spine, "This could really happen".
I'm not sure I would worry too much about dumbing down his vocab, either. Quite a bit of it is narrated by an omniscent voice, which can be as scholarly as it pleases. One thing I did mean to mention earlier however is that there seems to be a little contradiction in the tenses that are used in some places. It kind of slips between past and present a little rough.
When You Have Nothing Left You Burn, You Have To Set Yourself On Fire
Joined: Jul 2005 Gender: Male Posts: 1,328 Karma: 8,388,607
Re: Still untitled, like all my work. « Result #10 on Jul 17, 2009, 12:24pm »
eolith on your second point. does it really matter? i mean your parents tell you stories of a fat man going down the chimney is there any true science to back that up? zero but it makes for a temporary enjoyment of the story.
my only problem is i'm reading most of it and i get to the end and this jacob sounds as if he is yoda or speaking very proper english, it doesnt fit with the whole idea, post apoctolyptic nuclear radiation, yet jacob still remembers his diction.... i donno just doesnt seem to build an over all believable character.
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